Wellington Balbo

Forgiveness!

If there is a major challenge for the human being in this world it is undoubtedly to forgive. To forgive and also forgive oneself is an essential task to enjoy a bit of balance in this world of trials and atonement.

Self-forgiveness

In fact, I have seen many people, who do not forgive themselves, and suffer a lot with this. They self-mutilate themselves giving place to several problems, including physical disorders. We must understand that we are Spirits in a process of evolution. We make mistakes and will go on doing it still for a while.

It is important that, after one stumbles, we think about what happened so that we do not hurt again our toe on the same stones. But, if we do it again, we need to get up and start all over again.

To whine is not going to help us solve the situation, even because the deed or the word said are impossible of being changed, however, they can be repaired.

So forgive yourself. Lazarus teaches us in the message “Duty”, published in The Gospel According to Spiritism, the first duty we have in our life is to ourselves. So, if I have to forgive some other person to be free, I must, of course, forgive myself. 

To forgive too much is not good

It is wrong to think that to forgive is like doing a favor to someone else. Not at all. It is only an intelligent attitude that aims to preserve sanity, because no one can live a reasonably smooth life by carrying garbage in one’s heart.

Just a simple look around you and you will see big disappointments, sorrows and difficulties regarding relationships because forgiveness was not practiced.

At work, a colleague stops talking to another one because he did not forgive his bad mood on a summer day.

In the family, brothers stop talking to each other, because one of them ate the dessert that belonged to the other.

In a Spiritist group, an individual is asked to withdraw because the group does not forgive his constant analysis.

The examples are non-stop. However it is clear that, at least in what was told in the beginning of the text, there is nothing serious to justify the end of a relationship.

A friend who recently separated from his wife, blurted:

- You know, Balbo, I was tired of forgiving, I always forgave and there came a time that I just couldn’t stand it any longer, so parting was fatal.

I mentioned that the problem was forgiving too much. He frowned. But that's it. Relationships go sour because people forgive too much. They live to forgive the other’s missteps. They live wanting the other to apologize for little squabbles. They do not understand that the other is the spouse, a friend, a co-worker, an evolving Spirit and, occasionally, fail, succumb, will do something wrong to us, will arrive late to a meeting, will talk a little ruder, will not give us the attention we think we deserve.

Imagine spending a lifetime forgiving someone else! It is very complicated, and the relationship becomes stressful, heavy, dense, and makes people unhappy, bitter.

The ideal would be to live a lighter and quieter life, and let forgiveness for when it is really needed. 

When should we forgive?

Forgiveness should be left for the big mistakes, for when things are really messed up. For the small daily mistakes, let us understand them, because this is enough to know that our pair is in another level of spiritual development.

And speaking of forgiveness, I remembered a case that I told in book “Returned Pearls” published by CEAC in 2015. I questioned a mother, whose son had been murdered, if she forgave the murderer, and I will never forget her reply:

- If with no hatred in my heart it is already difficult to bear the absence of my son; with hatred it would be impossible. I had no choice, and forgiveness in this case had to be given, to be able to get along with life.

In a very clear example, this would be the occasion to use forgiveness. 

How to forgive?

Well, I believe that I have said nothing new. Everyone knows what they must do:  forgive! Therefore, the issue is not what to do, but how to do it. In other words: How do we forgive?
Let us see. There is in the Spiritist literature, more precisely in a work of Andre Luiz, a psychographics of Chico Xavier, a kind of step by step regarding the way in which we practice forgiveness, because, as we know, this is not a simple task.

In 2012 I was invited, along with some confreres, to give - in the city of Penapolis -, a seminar on the book The Messengers. And when studying the book, I read the story about Ismalia, Alfredo and Paul0.

In the chapter entitled "The slanderer" there are the steps to learn how to forgive, and it should be noted, that it is not a job for one day, but a constant, steady, and deep work concerning one’s own happiness.

I will resume the story and leave to the reader the suggestion to read the mentioned work.

Paulo had strongly harmed the couple Ismalia and Alfredo, and suffering by the ghosts he himself had created, he was in a delicate situation in the spiritual world.

Alfredo, even having been harmed, helped his previous enemy in afterlife.

In the meantime, Alfredo put into practice some steps until he obtained forgiveness.

Indeed, because forgiveness is an achievement of mind and heart in tune with Christ’s teachings.

As mentioned above, forgiveness is not a favor you do to the other, but something that frees you too.

For Alfredo to win forgiveness, he first had to understand his needs. As we said, to forgive is not even a matter of choice, but a need. After that he worked to obtain some merit, and then he interceded for his former tormentor.

According to Andre Luiz’ statement Alfredo desired, sought and fed this wanting of forgiveness. It was not an easy task because Alfredo had to overcome himself, to seek and, above all, feed the desire to free himself of petty feelings.

Alfredo approached Paul as someone who wants to make peace; he went on helping due to a feeling of charity; further on, because he so much fed his will of forgiveness, he understood and then he compared the situations. He went a little further and felt pity, and then he began to have sympathy and finally he started to feel a brotherly love for his former opponent.

We can say that, based on Alfredo’s story, forgiveness goes through several stages.

To begin with, one needs to make peace, because life without harmony is a very heavy burden. No one can lead a quiet life, considering one’s conscious, here or in an afterlife, with the heart full of sorrow.

Allan Kardec says that Nature gave man the need to love and to be loved. To love comes first and then to be loved. Thus, to forgive comes first, and to be forgiven later; only then one is aware of the feeling of Charity.

Allan Kardec taught us that "Without Charity there is no Salvation", i.e., out of this principle, so well-known by the Spiritists, there is no way you can lie your head on your pillow and sleep in peace.

The third step used by Alfredo was the will. He wanted and nurtured the ideal of forgiveness. He mobilized internal and external forces to do so.

There is no forgiveness without will. Lack of will, for obvious reasons, produces nothing. And using his will Alfredo acquired understanding.

When he understood, then he felt compassion. Alfredo realized that when one is evil, and undermines the divine Law of Justice, Love and Charity, in fact, he is harming himself more than the others, because nobody is free from the Law of Cause and Effect. You can escape the law of man, deceive the police, lie to your spouse, but no one, absolutely no one, escapes what he projected for himself. Thus, the one who does evil is to be pitied.

Then, kindness entered Alfredo’s heart. And, finally, after closing the process of forgiveness with gold, Alfredo felt a brotherly love for Paulo. 

You have to fight the old man to be able to forgive

It is worth mentioning Alfredo’s effort and commitment to be free of the hurt that could have made him suffer for many years. You can see by this that no one can forgive if he does not control himself, if he does not fight the old man bravely.

Being aware that the soul is immortal, one can see a longer and larger life. Since death is not the end, and life continues, there is always the possibility of straightening up things and repairing an evil done to someone, and thus forgiveness comes as the only chance to free ourselves and go on with a more peaceful life.

The freer we are of our emotional weights, the better we live...

The less forgiving, and the less we feel offended, the quieter will our life be, and who knows one day we can say loud and clear what the most evolved Spirit,  who lived among us, said: -   Father, forgive for they do not know what they do!

Then, we will be free, with a feast in our hearts, a peaceful mind and the certainty that the only evil that harms us is the one we do.

The famous Indian leader, Mahatma Gandhi, said that he did not forgive his opponents, because he did not feel he had been offended by them.  

When will we reach this stage when, despite the harm they have done to us, we stay above it and understand that the greatest damage is done to ourselves when we accumulate garbage in our hearts?

As well showed Alfredo, to forgive is possible if you work it. But, frankly, it is better to leave forgiveness for great things.